Review: Fast & Furious 7

Posted on May 3, 2015 Updated on May 3, 2015

The Pitch: I didn’t think there was any way I could top the stupidity of my Fast & Furious 6 review. Well…

The Limerick Review (BOOM! In your face, stupidity):

There once was a man named Rob Cohen
Who got this film / car series goin'
He directed the first,
With his camera immersed
In car's exhausts, constantly flowin'.

Next, sequels; but Diesel was missing,
Then Walker too his role dismissing,
As the quality waned
We were less entertained
And critics were ranting and hissing.

But Justin Lin then had a great thought:
The cast from the first film were all sought
For more thieving car stunts,
Once more with Vin's deep grunts
For his girl died (or so he had thought).

The fifth film showed yet more evolving,
The casting door still was revolving,
With the stars back en bloc
They then added The Rock,
So cheesy but oddly involving.

The sixth sorted out continuity,
But its plotting was lacking acuity.
Yet the post-credits scene
Kept the audience keen:
Add The Stath? Oh what great ingenuity!

Wait! The promise of bald Jason's madness
Was tempered with deep real-life sadness
For Walker died too young;
His virtues were then sung.
The films had no choice but to digress.

The Paul Walker issue's a distraction
For he'd only filmed half his action.
His brothers helped out 
And CG's pixel clout
Gave once again narrative traction.

A year late comes this sixth film sequel,
The Stath now arriving to wreak hell
Avenging Luke Evans
(Near sent to the heavens);
Can only be tracked by Kurt Russell.

(The adding of Kurt ain't for nuthin':
The man behind this film's MacGuffin. 
By hiring Snake Plissken
There's less of a risk in
Him fading away to a has-been.)

Our gang tours the world with Stath chasing,
With barely a mention of racing
But cars are the main tools
With which they make big fools
Of logic, and physics debasing.

The main draw's the film's whack set-pieces
Whose grasp on the real world decreases
With cars in the sky
In the blink of an eye;
Admit it, the script's mostly faeces.

You may think it of me quite petty
To complain of amnesiac Letty;
There's now so much plot 
In these films, I forgot!
The story's more strands than spaghetti.

The emotional core's based on family;
A shame that side's handled so hammily.
Yet wide demographics
Like flashy car graphics - 
Thank casting spread wide geographically.

There's so many stars, some neglected:
The Rock's presence barely detected.
We lost Han Seoul-Oh
And Gisele (Gal Gadot)... 
Wait, that t's pronounced. (Rhyme rejected.)

Not even two deaths have helped thin out
The bloated cast list; yet they win out.
They might just enchant ya
With their cheeky banter
And car stunts which might get your grin out.

This time Lin has gone, Wan's arriving,
Saw's James this time wrangling the driving.
This director-for-hire
Doesn't raise standards higher
His style from the genre deriving.

His one fetish greater than fast cars
Is his lens outlining each girl's arse
As each one that's hot
Wanders into his shot
Their bottoms are making them film stars.

Overall, Fast 7's not realistic
Its scenery's quite chauvinistic
But if you like a laugh
You could do worse by half
Than the year's big box office statistic.

Why see it at the cinema:

If you like fast cars and loose women,
Then don't hesitate, drop your linen,
Get straight down to the flicks
For big stunts and hot chicks.
(If you miss it you'll be forgiven.)

What about the rating? 

The BBFC gave a 12A
You'll find out at this link what they say.
They gave it for swearing
And violence; They're caring
About all film viewers. (Not child's play.)

My cinema experience:

A Stevenage Cineworld threesome,
(For which I will not give a reason)
I also saw two more.
The others that I saw
Weren't bad either, despite no Liam Neeson.

They did have Russ Crowe and Ben Stiller,
With this film to their sandwich: filler.
The Water Diviner
Was slightly less finer
And While We're Young wasn't a killer.

The Score: 7/10