Gremlins

The Half Dozen: 6 Most Interesting Looking Trailers For December 2012

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Gather round, one and all. The spirit of the season is upon us, and cinemas will be filled with festive treats and reissues of The Muppet Christmas Carol, It’s A Wonderful Life and, if you’ve been really good this year, Die Hard. But as well as that, there’s a host of fresh Christmas goodies, all wrapped and waiting, plus at least one other seasonal treat getting a fresh airing.

So here for your seasonal entertainment are my selection of trailers for this month, each one accompanied by a Christmas ditty or piece of prose of some sort which I’ve shamefully ripped off reworded slightly in honour of the film in question. A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everyone.

Gremlins

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
This close to midnight, the Mogwai was waking
But no food for him, no chance Bill be taking
 
When down in the lounge there arose such a clatter
He sprang from his bed to see what was the matter
Away to the kitchen he flew like a flash
To grab him a knife, some Gremlins to slash

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

O little town of Hobbiton
How still we see thee lie
Above thy deep and pipe-fuelled sleep
A fire-breath’d dragon files
Yet in the dark caves shineth
The elven “sword” called Sting
The hopes and fears of Gandalf’s peers
Rest not yet on a ring

Chasing Ice

Oh, the weather outside is frightful
But the photo’s so delightful
And since we’ve no place to go
Let it snow, it must snow, oh please snow!
It’s showing large signs of thawing
And the world is still ignoring
Al Gore would have liked this show
Let it snow, it must snow, oh please snow!

Life Of Pi

On the twelfth day of Christmas, all known Gods gave to me
Twelve zoo crates moving
Eleven Coldplay pop tunes
Ten whales a leaping
Nine ladies dancing
Eight fish a catching
Seven hours of swimming
Six meercats playing
Five shots of bling
Four attempts at filming
Three dimensions
Two blokes just chatting
And a tiger who wants me for tea

Pitch Perfect

Christmas time, mistletoe and wine
Children singing truly phat rhymes
With logs on the fire, Anna K in the nip
This gaggle of girls will try hard to be hip

Jack Reacher

At Christmas time, there’s no need to be afraid
At Christmas time, we banish light and we let in shade
And in the world of bad guys, Werner Herzog’s just a joy
Can Jack Reacher save the world, at Christmas time?
But say a prayer, pray for the other ones
At Christmas time, they’ve no chance when Tom’s having fun
There’s a world outside your window
And it’s a world of dreaded fear
Well tonight thank God it’s them, instead of you

Peter Pan and the Predators

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When I was growing up, a trip to the cinema was a special treat. By that I mean that it didn’t happen that often – I feel almost every trip I make now is special, but for different reasons. Yet one thing was apparent – despite being the fourth tallest in my class at school at age 11 (and two of those taller than me were girls – yikes!), I was not going to be getting into anything other than U or PG films or the equivalent for some time to come.

The most gutting aspect of this came in the mid-eighties, when my friends and I came up with several sadly never followed through on plans to get into Gremlins, which looked ace but had picked up a dreaded 15 certificate, leaving us four years short. A gap like that can never be overcome, even by tying cans of paint to the bottom of your shoes to look taller. (Maybe it’s for the best we never got around to that.)

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