The Half Dozen: 6 Most Interesting Looking Trailers For December 2013

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It’s Christmas time, there’s no need to be afraid. Well, not strictly true as I’m rolling out the dodgy poetry once more. Yes, once again we approach the season of goodwill, and I hope you’ll extend me all of yours. Following the success of last year’s Half Dozen December picks with their own Christmas songs and carols, I once again present my top six trailers of the month, each with its own song or carol (or in the case of Kill Your Darlings, piece of classical music which you’ll find it difficult to fit the words to unless you know it really well – sorry). I’ve also included a link to the original so you can sing along at home with my new words. Merry Christmas, everyone. Which leads me nicely to…


(to the tune of Shakin’ Stevens’ Merry Christmas Everyone)

Snow is falling, all around us,
Which is strange as it’s July
Tis’ the season for barbecues and swimsuits,
But it’s snowing (don’t ask why).
Time for Disney and princesses,
Cash tills ringing all night long
Time for parents to buy their girls more dresses,
Merry Christmas, Disney Store.

Kill Your Darlings

(To the tune of For Unto Us A Child Is Born from Handel’s Messiah)

For unto us a child is born, unto us a wizard’s given (repeat)
And the world will never see him as anything but Harry Potter (repeat)
And his fame shall be based on Rowling books, Potter films, it’s such a shame
He’s really a great actor, devoid of cheese.

The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug

(To the tune of Little Donkey)

Little hobbit, little hobbit on another road
Little hobbit, always walking – must it all be showed?
Little hobbit, bunch of dwarves and wizard with a stick,
Why don’t you just use the eagles, why are you so thick?
Ring out of sight tonight, hide it again, hide it from men,
Spiders and dragons fright those little men, walking again,
Little hobbit, little hobbit, we still cannot see
Why your short book needed to be films so many – three?!

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

(To the tune of Hark the herald angels sing)

Hark, the herald newsmen sing
Afternoon Delight’s their thing
Peace on earth for them’s no good
Fighting puts them in the mood
Joyfull all ye nations are
Paramount’s seen sense at last
We thought they might miss a trick
But now we’ve got more of Brick,
Champ and Brian, it’s great to see,
And the legend, Burgundy.

The Harry Hill Movie

(To the tune of Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas)

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don’t care about the Oscars
(At least until January)
I just want to go and see
Some funny films with Mrs E
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you
I don’t want a lot for Christmas
(Although Blu-rays would be nice;
Think my mum is buying Star Wars
Hope she gets a decent price.)
I don’t need a costume drama
Or a lengthy biopic
I just need the guy from TV
Burp, plus hamster being sick
I just want to go and see
Some cheesy films with Mrs E
Think this one will do
All I want for Christmas is you, you, Harry

All Is Lost

(To the tune of O Holy Night)

O holy boat, your star is brightly shining
Although he hasn’t got much to say
O holy boat, Bob Redford’s not for whining
Even when he’s had such a bad day
Patching up the hole as best he can
Such a hero, not just an old man
Fall on your knees, and hear the rush of water,
O night in brine, ’cause the trailer gives away
The boat, the holy boat, has had its day.

The Half Dozen: 6 Most Interesting Looking Trailers For December 2012

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Gather round, one and all. The spirit of the season is upon us, and cinemas will be filled with festive treats and reissues of The Muppet Christmas Carol, It’s A Wonderful Life and, if you’ve been really good this year, Die Hard. But as well as that, there’s a host of fresh Christmas goodies, all wrapped and waiting, plus at least one other seasonal treat getting a fresh airing.

So here for your seasonal entertainment are my selection of trailers for this month, each one accompanied by a Christmas ditty or piece of prose of some sort which I’ve shamefully ripped off reworded slightly in honour of the film in question. A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everyone.


‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
This close to midnight, the Mogwai was waking
But no food for him, no chance Bill be taking
When down in the lounge there arose such a clatter
He sprang from his bed to see what was the matter
Away to the kitchen he flew like a flash
To grab him a knife, some Gremlins to slash

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

O little town of Hobbiton
How still we see thee lie
Above thy deep and pipe-fuelled sleep
A fire-breath’d dragon files
Yet in the dark caves shineth
The elven “sword” called Sting
The hopes and fears of Gandalf’s peers
Rest not yet on a ring

Chasing Ice

Oh, the weather outside is frightful
But the photo’s so delightful
And since we’ve no place to go
Let it snow, it must snow, oh please snow!
It’s showing large signs of thawing
And the world is still ignoring
Al Gore would have liked this show
Let it snow, it must snow, oh please snow!

Life Of Pi

On the twelfth day of Christmas, all known Gods gave to me
Twelve zoo crates moving
Eleven Coldplay pop tunes
Ten whales a leaping
Nine ladies dancing
Eight fish a catching
Seven hours of swimming
Six meercats playing
Five shots of bling
Four attempts at filming
Three dimensions
Two blokes just chatting
And a tiger who wants me for tea

Pitch Perfect

Christmas time, mistletoe and wine
Children singing truly phat rhymes
With logs on the fire, Anna K in the nip
This gaggle of girls will try hard to be hip

Jack Reacher

At Christmas time, there’s no need to be afraid
At Christmas time, we banish light and we let in shade
And in the world of bad guys, Werner Herzog’s just a joy
Can Jack Reacher save the world, at Christmas time?
But say a prayer, pray for the other ones
At Christmas time, they’ve no chance when Tom’s having fun
There’s a world outside your window
And it’s a world of dreaded fear
Well tonight thank God it’s them, instead of you

BlogalongaMuppets: The Muppet Christmas Carol – A Great Muppet Movie?

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God bless us, every one. Excpet the penguin. No idea why he's here.

My Muppet journey has finally arrived at Christmas. For a supposedly joyful season, Christmas can be a dark time: from It’s A Wonderful Life (a film about a man who attempts suicide, then goes a bit mad) to Bad Santa (where the nicest character is a thieving drunk who vomits in front of children), but for the Muppets it was an attempt to put behind them some real life dark times. Since The Muppets Took Manhatten Then Realised They Had No Idea What To Do With It, both Jim Henson (Kermit / Rowlf / Dr. Teeth / Swedish Chef) and Richard Hunt (Scooter / Statler / Janice / Beaker) had passed away, at a combined age of less than 100. So for their first visit to the big screen in eight years, it seemed fitting that the Muppet movies should undergo something of a reinvention.

So gone were the modern day settings, the self-referential knowingness and a lot of the Muppets that we know and love. (Wait, what?) Yes, call it controversial, but while The Muppets Christmas Carol has come to be regarded as a classic Christmas movie, it isn’t actually a classic Muppet movie. Part of this is the sidelining of so many of the main characters of the core Muppets ensemble: with the loss of Henson and Hunt, the likes of Rowlf and Scooter are sensitively rested this time out, but those that do make an appearance often have less screen time, with even the likes of Miss Piggy reduced to an extended cameo. The only two Muppets who get any extended screen time are Gonzo and Rizzo, as even the Ghosts themselves aren’t portrayed by regular Muppets (the original plan to have the ghosts portrayed by Miss Piggy, Scooter and Gonzo being, perhaps sensibly, put to bed).

But The Muppets Christmas Carol is a classic Christmas movie, even if, like many of its contemporaries, it didn’t grab audiences at the time. It’s A Wonderful Life wasn’t truly appreciated in its own lifetime, only finding life on cable TV re-runs many years later, and similarly The Muppets Christmas Carol struggled to find an audience first time round. Look at the box office chart (courtesy of Box Office Mojo) for 1992 for the US:

There it is, 47th best of the year. Note that it only just beat Howards End despite being on four times the number of screens, and lost miserably to The Lawnmower Man despite another screen advantage. (Screens is the number in the fifth column, in case you were wondering.) So why is it now so loved by so many at Christmas time?

In my book, there’s two reasons. One is the faithfulness of the adaptation; while respectful, it’s never reverential but captures just the essence of Dickens’ seminal seasonal story, even to the extent that the finer details, such as The Ghost Of Christmas Present aging during his time with Ebeneezer, are faithfully captured. The other reason is this:


Again, in a departure from previous efforts, there’s little human presence here. Steven Mackintosh is a moderately familiar face, and a couple of the young Scrooges have also popped up on TV, but the Muppet Christmas Carol stands and falls on the performance on one man, and thankfully the one man is one who has one of the safest pairs of hands in the business. Oddly, or maybe not, The Muppet Christmas Carol represents some of Caine’s best work and is certainly a better performance than at least one of the Oscars he’s picked up.

But while The Muppet Christmas Carol can stand toe to toe with It’s A Wonderful Life and Die Hard as perfect examples of Christmas movies, it’s not quite as good a Muppet movie as some of the earlier efforts. Guess you can’t win ’em all.

Current ranking of the Muppet movies

1. The Great Muppet Caper

2. The Muppet Christmas Carol

3. The Muppet Movie

4. The Muppets Take Manhattan

Next month Later today or tomorrow because I got quite some way behind: Pirates! AAAAR! It’s Muppet Treasure Island.