The Half Dozen: 6 Most Interesting Looking Trailers For December 2014

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It’s December again. You can’t open up a blog without having an avalanche of year-end lists fall out on your head – mine will follow in due course – and awards films and family entertainments are jostling for position in the screens of our local fleapits and shiny multiplexes. It’s a time for traditions, from mince pies to mistletoe and this blog is no different: I present my third annual review of trailers in December with each one accompanied by a reworked seasonal ditty of some variety and dubious quality. If you like, get yourself a reminder of my efforts in 2012 and 2013 to get the idea before embarking on this year’s collection of dodgy poetry and vague puns.

And whatever you get up to in this season of peace and goodwill, whether you’re celebrating Christmas, Hanukkah, Saturnalia, the winter solstice or simply worshipping at the altar of the early January sales, may you have a lovely time, ready to come back refreshed for 2015 which features new Bond, Star Wars, Avengers, Terminator, Taken, Ted, Mission: Impossible and pretty much any other franchise you’d care to name. But first, this.

The Hobbit: Battle Of The Five Armies

To the tune of Jona Lewie’s Stop The Cavalry

Hey, Mr. Jackson comes over here
With more Tolkien trilogy,
But it’s going on for far, far too long
Marching round and round pointlessly
Oh, I say it’s tough, I have had enough
Can you stop the hobbits, please?

I have had to fight, almost every night
Just to stay awake through these
Silmarillion? No thanks, Jackson
Can you stop the hobbits, please?

Longer versions seen at home
More appendices shoe-horned in
Wish I could edit them down
To a single film I’d love

Dub a dub a dum dum dub a dub a dum dub a dum dum dub a dub dub a dub a dum
Dub a dub a dum dum dub a dub a dum dub a dum dum dub a dub dub a dub a dum

Can we have some more Bad Taste films?

Manakamana

To the tune of the carol We Three Kings

Visit Manakamana
You can ride the cable car
Up the mountain, then back down again
Quicker than foot by far

O car of wonder, car of light
Car where conversation’s slight
Upward leading, still proceeding
Guide us to thy temple right

Glorious now behold it arise
Bearing folks of all shapes and size
Men and women, some with goats in
That one’s a big surprise

O car of wonder, car of light
Arty insight or just trite?
Upward leading, but we’re needing
To work out our own insight

Dumb And Dumber To

To the tune of Little Drummer Boy

Come they told me, so dumb a dumb dumb
The brothers Farrelly, so dumb a dumb dumb
Have made a sequel see, so dumb a dumb dumb
We didn’t want really, so dumb a dumb dumb,
dumb a dumb dumb, dumb a dumb dumb,

Daniels and Carrey being really dumb,
Will we come?

Little joy you’ll see, so dumb a dumb dumb
It’s gone a bit nasty, still dumb a dumb dumb
They have no jokes to bring, no sense of fun,
But they’ll still flog this thing to us if we’re dumb,
That makes me glum; I’ll not succumb…

We’ll be spared Dumb 3, so dumb a dumb dumb,
If we don’t come.

Annie

To the tune of John Lennon’s Happy Christmas (War Is Over)

So, this is Christmas
And what have you done?
A new film of Annie
Even worse than the last one

And so this is awful
It doesn’t look fun
The cast all look lost here
The old and the young

Quevenzhané Wallis
Doesn’t act well, I fear
Let’s hope that this bad one
Won’t kill her career

And so this is pointless
Just completely wrong
Not one of these actors
Will be winning a gong

So unhappy Christmas
This Annie’s not right
Will Gluck, you’ve gone wrong here,
Your film just looks shite

Big Eyes

To the tune of Wizzard’s I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day

Thanks to Q. Tarantino,
He’s a man we’d like to know
He’s put a great big smile, on everybody’s face
If you need an Austrian friend
Then your casting’s at an end
Open up the doors
You know that sweet Christoph Waltz is on the way

Well I wish it could be Chris Waltz, every day
‘Cos the films he’s in are invariably great **
Oh, I don’t think there’s a role he couldn’t play
Let him be in every film, please

He has quickly made his mark
He can do both light and dark
Now Tim Burton’s gonna let him have his say
Even though he’ll be quite mean
As the real life Walter Keane
We just know he and Amy Adams
Will blow the critics all away

Well I wish it could be Chris Waltz, every day
‘Cos the films he’s in are invariably great
Oh, I wish it could be Chris Waltz, every day
And I bet he will be Blofeld

** I haven’t seen Water For Elephants, but I liked The Green Hornet. So sue me.

Exodus: Gods And Kings

To the tune of White Christmas

I’m dreaming of a white Egypt
Just like the ones I used to know
With old Charlton Heston
Credibility testing,
And others skin as white as snow,

I’m dreaming of a white Egypt
Someone tell Ridley it’s not right
May your films have casts that look right
And may all your Egypts not be white

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