Double Review: Mirror Mirror / Snow White And The Huntsman

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The Pitch: Well, I like Julia Roberts, but I also like Charlize Theron. Which is better? There’s only one way to find out… FIGHT! Poetry.

The Review Poem:

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?

The story of Snow’s a familiar fable
But this year new versions have come to the table.
One from a man who made J-Lo’s The Cell
(A film which was totally cinema hell),
And one for whom this would be his debut movie,
Which of the two Snows would be the most groovy?
The trailers suggested that Tarsem was barking,
But both had ambition, and neither just larking.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who is the weirdest of them all?
Surely it’s Tarsem, last seen with Immortals,
Visuals cracking, but his scripts are poor tools
For rich storytelling, and always a let down
Most thought he’d struggle to take the Snow White crown.
So what could he conjure with Roberts and Hammer,
Could he mix darkness with plenty of glamour?

Sadly his film is a mixture of tones
Where most of the humour will prompt only groans.
Julia Roberts has most of the fun here,
She’s enjoying herself being evil, it’s quite clear.
Less certain’s the rest, Arnie Hammer’s too dry,
And Nathan Lane’s hamming might just make you cry.
No one thought Phil Collins’ daughter’d be highbrow,
But sorely distracting is her giant eyebrow.

The one saving grace, apart from the sights
Are the dwarves, those short guys are pretty all right.
They and the Queen really capture the mood
Of theatrics, but sadly the rest ain’t much good.
It’s all quite forgettable, just a bit boring
I wouldn’t blame your kids if they started snoring.
Once more poor old Tarsem’s let down by the writer,
If only the plotting had been a lot tighter.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who is the dullest of them all?
Could it be Twilight, the family Cullen,
Both Edward and Bella, perpetually sullen?
Well Eddie’s been off with that Cronenberg geezer,
And Bella’s now Snow White; it’s not hard to please her
For she’s got a role as a more modern Snow,
But does just a mud bath allow her to grow?

This Snow has to face a more miserable lot,
Her Dad’s dead, the kingdom’s going to pot,
Charlize Theron is the Queen – what a witch!
Less campy than Roberts, and more of a bitch.
There’s hints though she might be just misunderstood,
But mainly she’s wicked, and up to no good.
To off her stepdaughter she calls in Chris Hemsworth,
But will he? It could be much more than his job’s worth.

This Snow puts much more of grim into Grimm,
But falls down on such a peculiar whim!
Rather than men who’re smaller in stature,
This Snow has full sized dwarves comin’ straight at ya!
(But I don’t mean literally, for it’s not greedy
This movie felt no need to sell out to 3D.)
Familiar faces are shrunk down to size,
But they don’t quite look right, bamboozling your eyes.

Apparently real dwarves are no more in vogue,
For this version their dwarves have gone a bit rogue.
So “tall” men, from Nick Frost to Ian McShane
Are playing the dwarves, but I tell you it’s plain
That these guys are imposters, it’s eerie and weird,
Like British thesp bobble-heads, not to be feared.
But somehow the fake dwarves are still much the best part,
For this Snow is already lacking a real heart.

She’s easily better than Phil Collins’ sprog,
But Kirsten’s charisma still matches a log.
She tries to inspire, to fight and to rule
But she’s got the depth of a paddling pool.
Hemsworth’s no better, and only the “midgets”
Will keep your attention and save you the fidgets.
In terms of the parts that deserve the least credit,
Whoever filmed fight scenes knows not how to edit.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who is the fairest of them all?
In terms of the Snow Whites, it’s probably Kristen,
Even though not gold, she still has more glisten
Than Lily and her mob, and slightly more fair
In tone and intention, but it’s tough to care
About either of these films; instead of a winner,
I’d like to declare both Snow Whites a dog’s dinner.

Why see it at the cinema: Both have impressive visuals, and SWatH would actually win out on the battle scenes if you could make out what was going on in them.

The Scores: Mirror Mirror: The Untold Adventures Of Snow White 4/10

Snow White And The Huntsman 5/10

One thought on “Double Review: Mirror Mirror / Snow White And The Huntsman

    Ro D said:
    July 2, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    Excellent work Evangelist. It seems like I made the right decision by ignoring both of these cinema releases. One is too light and silly whilst the other attempts to be overly dramatic and has K-Stew in it. I’m about ready to boycott her films for life. So lifeless. Maybe the sequel could be her as the Sleeping Beauty but they do away with the hero and she’s just left lying there on a stone slab. Surely she could muster the charisma required to be dead wood right? Right?

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